| When
your spouse does something wrong, how do you react?
Some spouses like to blame.
"You really embarrassed me when you told that stupid
joke. You make me want to stay at home."
Other spouses prefer to
criticize. "You’re so fat it makes me sick."
Getting even is also a
favorite response. "Well, because you were flirting
with Chris, I decided to flirt with Pat."
By blaming, criticizing or
getting even with your spouse, you are trying to be AT CAUSE
by putting your spouse AT EFFECT. Unfortunately, putting
your spouse AT EFFECT is harmful to your relationship. You
start arguments and fights. Just because your parents
reacted badly toward each other is no reason you need to
continue the tradition.
Cause and Effect
When it comes to situations
and relationships, you are either at a cause point or an
effect point. When you paint a wall, you are at cause over
the paint and the color of the wall. When you spill paint
all over your clothes, you are at the effect of that paint.
There are two types of
relationships:
1. CAUSE-EFFECT is the most
common type of relationship. As in the examples above, you
take command of the relationship and put someone else at the
effect of you or the problem.
For example, husband John
says, "Mary, you
ran over the neighbor’s gate. How could you be so
stupid?"
John might feel at cause over
the gate problem, but Mary will feel effect.
2. In a CAUSE-CAUSE
relationship, you assume a cause point yourself AND you
allow or encourage others to assume the cause point as well.
This idea comes from L. Ron Hubbard who writes:
"If Mary burns the
toast, John accepts responsibility for this action. This
does not mean that he assumes all the responsibility and
leaves none for Mary. It means that he assumes all the
responsibility and that Mary assumes all the responsibility,
too. They both assume all the responsibility. Under such an
arrangement, no one can be blamed. All their attention goes
into doing better with the toast, and none of it is wasted
in blame.
"Mary runs the family
automobile into the neighbor’s gate. The neighbor rushes
over in a huff and encounters John in the front yard. The
neighbor says, `You just ruined my gate!’ John goes with
the neighbor to look at the gate and at the car. Sure
enough, there is blue paint on the gate and white paint on
the car. The evidence is conclusive. John agrees with the
neighbor that the gate has been damaged by John’s car and
he asks the neighbor to have it repaired and send him the
bill. The neighbor says that the damage is not very great
and so he will repair it himself. John lends him the tools
and helps him to repair the gate. John insists on buying a
can of white paint, and the neighbor says he will enjoy
painting the gate on Sunday. He apologizes for being so
excited at first. They shake hands.
"John goes into the
house, and Mary says, `Dear, I hit the Jones’s gate with
the car.’ John says, `Yes, I know. We’ve already
repaired it." Mary says, `I’m sorry. I was thinking
about the bathroom curtains.’ John says, `That’s all
right. What about the bathroom curtains?’ Mary says, I
want to dye them blue.’ John says, `That’s a good
idea.’
"If nobody is to blame
for the damage to the gate, a constructive subject like
dyeing the curtains will immediately attract John’s and
Mary’s attention, since it represents future action."
— L. Ron Hubbard
Cause-cause relations are
teamwork at its very best. You and your spouse accept
responsibility for all of the actions of each other. You
spread an umbrella of responsibility.
Imagine no arguments or
upsets with your spouse. Imagine never trading insults or
hurtful comments.
Making a cause-cause
relationship with your spouse is the road to a happy
marriage.
Give it a try
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